March 17th, 2011
Dear Sirs/Madams,
While I fully appreciate the great distinctions you have bestowed upon me in these last 23 years of life-consuming and life-altering employment, I would like to officially tender my resignation from the positions of:
Chief Decision-Maker (CDM),
Chief Lunch-Packer (CLP),
Chief Cheerleader (CC),
Chief Getter-Upper-In-The-Nighter (CGUITN),
and finally, but not exclusively, Chief Head Whine Reducer, General Referee, and occasional Short-Order Cook (CHWR, GR, and SOC).
While I have been thoroughly honored to have possessed the positions of CDM, CLP, CC, CGUITN, CHWR, GR, and SOC, simultaneously I might add, I feel, Sirs and Madams, that to preserve my sanity, sense of self, libido, and baby-soft hands (earned from years of dishwashing in Palmolive), I must humbly and immediately relinquish my positions.
I wish to thank you for the years and years and years of experience I've gained, and, while feeling somewhat maudlin at our parting, I feel confident that I have given my all, and that you have, without reservation, taken it (leaving me bereft of taut skin, a sense of humour, my finely ground-down back molars, and/or any or all sex appeal).
Finally, upon my leave taking, I would like to wish you all the best in your future endeavors, and leave you with some small pieces of wisdom I have gained over the years:
Wash up as far as possible. Wash down as far as possible. And then.......... wash possible.
Your ever devoted, simply sapped Mother.
P.S. See you in the morning you little buggers!
